Professor, to student: I think your thesis is funny, because it's not as academically successful but it's more . . . useful.
Orthodox sophomore girl, receiving help on COS homework: You don’t have to help me with this.
Orthodox sophomore boy: No, I really enjoy watching you.
Proselytizing man: Do you understand the legal implications of why Jesus had to die?
Terran: If I had procreated with her, the baby would have popped out, held open his hand while the doctor spanked his butt and politely demanded a crack pipe.
“Cindra”: Fred and George had reinvented their own version of the snitch, after seeing something similar in the muggle Harry Potter video games.
Girl 1: She is such a bitch.
Girl 2: Jesus, you can’t insult people in church.
Girl 2: Well, you just used the Lord’s name in vain.
Girl 1: Yeah, but you insulted a real person.
Desolate press club member: I’ve hit so many new lows tonight. Don’t verbatim that, it’s too raw.
Desperate Bully: You look like a vegan!
Definitely-not-a-vegan: I look… healthy?
AEPi sophomore, eagerly: I need to show you guys the cool new things I learned to do with my throat in Arabic class.
Former big baby: “I was a big baby.”
Former small baby: “Yeah, I see that for you.”
Girl on cell phone: Dude, it's an opportunity cost. You're drinking more, but you're not getting better, like, drunk. You have to think about the diminishing
returns.
Elderly woman, to senior Nass woman dressed in a sweatshirt and baggy pants, shrieking: STEWARDESS — IT IS ABSOLUTELY FREEZING IN HERE!
Girl 1: (from a distance) Hey, wait for me!
Sophomore Theta: (fists raised) RAGE. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE.
Zealous parent (to tour guide): Could you point out where these meal club homes are, so we can tour them?
Quirky senior girl: She has no other personality except being rich and alt. Except you can't be both rich and alt; you're just rich.
Student: I wanted to take this course because I saw that it covered [King] Louis Philippe and I want to better understand my familial background.
Dual citizen, flipping through the Verso Books catalogue: If you read every single one of these, what do you think would happen to you?
Blackout Nasser: i love you
Boy: gonna Uber to you so stay awake
Blackout Nasser: no go home
Blackout Nasser: i have to bake pies in the morning
Will you all stop being fucking nose pirates and go to bed, goddammitt?
90-year-old man: Anyway, didn’t mean to get into anti-semitism.
His wife: But you can’t help it.