Social scientist who desperately wants to be more quantitative: I had to teach my magician friend Bayes’ Theorem to get him to learn that one.
Sweaty girl: I was running for five minutes and it felt like an hour…I really need to increase my durability.
Bored by Putin: If you’re going to have a cult of personality, at least start with a personality.
Pedagogue, cracking slowly but surely: The first question is how do we read this? Is she literally laughing to herself? Presumably, she doesn’t say HA, HA. Perhaps, this giggle is the start of madness. A clue that she’s literally losing her mind here.
An American, likely: Jenny got back to me on the communist presbyterians.
Hypercritical reader: You should go to confession. You should beg God for forgiveness if you write a poem this bad. This has probably taken away 15 minutes of life that I will, like, never get back.
Over-it: Ah, here it is. The carefully gendered and ethnically balanced group of acne-free Princeton students.
Critical theorist: Where the best pastrami can be found is a major theological debate.
Student: Which school do you subscribe to?
Scholar of the Civil War: We’re not going to bed any fellows that we shouldn’t be bedfellows with. That’s to say, we shouldn’t have a union with slaveholders.
Professor, on Abraham Lincoln: He was an ugly giant. A real nobody. He had a high, ugly voice. He once said, “It’s good I’m not two-faced, cause nobody would want to see two of these.”
Unconvinced junior: You’re talking like you knew him.
Professor: I did. I bullied him in high school.
Females these days: I want to dress pretty and yap. I want something warm inside me. I love men.
Ambitious, hardened woman: I don't want to be up at midnight helping some stupid kids, I wanna be in bed at midnight in my mansion.
Disillusioned by American desserts: There's no taste. It's just something white in my mouth.
Discerning mentor: You should be thankful if you get someone that is 5'6 on Princeton Campus.
Needs help: I can’t tell how tall he actually is because he wears Doc Martens.
Thirsty Nass-supporter: I would be honored to have a verbatim-writing credit.
Has their priorities straight: I want to take a gap year to focus on my aquaponic farm.
Normal guy: I feel like I'm witnessing some kind of masculine pagan ritual right now.
Professor in the streets, verbal veteran in the Sheets: I have used the word "cowed" but I would never recommend it.
Cottage cheese & tinned fish fangirl: I’m trying to eat more elderly people foods.
Scooter-less freshman male: I swear, dude, with all this rain and all these NPCs walking around, I'm going to hit someone on my bike and kill them.
Enlightened empath, currently taking HUM219 Jesus and Buddha: You should always feel bad for stupid people.
Discerning roommate, counseling on matters of love: He’s weird in an acceptable way.