Discerning mentor: You should be thankful if you get someone that is 5’6 on Princeton Campus. Needs help: I can’t tell how tall he actually is because he wears Doc Martens.
Girl 1: I’ve been buying so many clothes on my mom’s credit card Girl 2: Doesn’t she mind? Girl 1: It’s okay, I buy smaller things in-between so she doesn’t notice the big purchases when she looks at the statement.
Bro 1: “I love to eat pussy.” Bro 2: “I love the smell of laundry.”
Christian Group, to unsuspecting student: “Do you want prayer?”
Oblivious onlooker: “Everyone looks so happy out on the grass!” Observant onlooker: “I think they’re protesting.”
Exuberant sophomore: “This is going to be such a fun study break!” Baffled straight man: “What, masturbating?”
Supportive friend: I’m glad to brighten up your day with gossip. And not just any gossip… invented gossip!
Worn-out senior after physics lab: “I don’t care about Brownian motion! It’s random and that’s all I need to know.” Realistic junior: “That’s not true. You don’t need to know anything. 99% of people know nothing about Brownian motion and … Read More
Writer: I feel like Freud would have a lot to say about this. Other writer: I don’t know much about Freud. Writer: Me neither.
Frosh, having just awoken from a nap: Bro, Princeton is easy. Don’t you know we have a 98% graduation rate?
Philosophizing girl talking to her friend: It’s so much easier to assume that everyone is wrong than it is to assume that anyone is right.
Introspective Sophomore: I enjoy being de-personified.
Future dictator: I was thinking about applying to the honor committee so I could know what it feels like to be corrupted by power.
Upset sophomore: The fact that they took Supervillain Island off of Poptropica is literally a hate crime
Smug Sophomore: I’m writing an essay for Creative Nonfiction about a mathematician’s relationship to chalkboards.
Newly Initiated TI Sophomore, on the phone: “I can’t wait to bring you. Dad, do you want to go out? Like to a party?”
Worried student to strangers: Have you seen a taller, older white man in pajama pants?
Oblivious freshman: You can’t take abuse? Why not?
Overly conscious freshman: That’s not a guy name. Wait, names don’t have gender. I messed up!
Frosh to friend, describing problematic male: He just mansplains a lot. Friend: I kinda like that though.
Frosh to friend, preparing for their first Princetoween: Nooo, I don’t wanna be slutty Harry Potter!
Struggling CBE freshman “Pop tarts are sugar ravioli!”
Woke PTL philosophy major: The patriarchy is IN Frist.
Freshman washed-up girl: Yeah, I mean, I know he does Liars’ club, but he’s a good guy!
Freshman Tigression: Her birthday is tomorrow?! No way. She can’t be a pisces. That makes no sense. We have to do her chart.