- Comment-no-like on my latest Insta
- Many pets
- Manly pets
- Manly parts
- A dark-haired pet I didn’t account for when selecting my all-white clothing palette for the year
- Not putting on “The Sign” by Ace of Base at a pregame in the room when I explicitly asked for it and know it would be the exact right thing to turn this themed pregame around
- I came home and there was blood in the sink
- I came home and there was ink in the sink
- I came home and there was no sink
- Sexiling me on a full moon
- Sexiling me at any time related to my moon sign
- Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with my moon sign
- Sexiling me to hook up with someone not compatible with his moon sign
- Dressing as Harambe for Halloween
- Sighing a little too heavily
- Keeping up with the Kardasians a little too well
- His “replica” of The Declaration of Independence hanging on the wall looks a little too real
- Being Zach Cohen
- Looking better than me in anything
- Being better than me at anything
- Suggesting my competitiveness is unhealthy
- Walking into the room while I’m on the phone with my therapist
- Eavesdropping on my conversation with my therapist
- Confronting me for shit-talking my roommates with my therapist
- Refusing to sell me Adderall
- Held a pregame and didn’t invite me
- I found out he was originally Class of 1917 and had died in there and was literally haunting me
- Trying to annul the marriage I hypnotized him into
- Leaving our entire room under a thin blanket of protein powder
- Taking an Uber from TI to Ivy
- Peeing on me while I was asleep
- Starting a cult called Los Hermanos de los Espárragos Frecuentado
- Not joining my rival cult with the same name but more S&M
- The divorce
- Asserting her masculinity
- Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on a Wednesday
- Wishing me a Shabbat Shalom on Shabbat
- Leaving “The Case for Christ” on my pillow
- Wore my Nirvana t-shirt without permission
- Reminded me that I own a Nirvana t-shirt
- I need the room tonight
- I need a womb tonight
- Narcissism (hers)
- Narcissism (mine)
- I am aroused in her presence and don’t know how to handle myself
- “I’m a poet”
- “I’m a libertarian”
- “I’m a free thinker”
- Setting an alarm for 6:00 and letting it ring for half an hour
- Starting the day with silent masturbation as alarm continues to ring
- Our bedspreads clash, which wasn’t an issue before, but now that everything is falling apart I just need a little order in my life, and is that too much to ask for after everything I’ve been through?
- Drinking my alcohol when I’m out
- Drinking my alcohol when I’m in
- Starting the day by brazenly drinking my alcohol in front of me, as alarm continues to ring.
- Being a fuck
- Fucking a being
- “Please remove me from the listserv thank you”
- “…just called to talk, I don’t have a roommate”
- Setting the thermostat to 50 degrees
- Setting the thermostat to 90 degrees
- Hiding yesterday’s Late Meal in my sock drawer
- Hiding her collection of crushed beetles in my sock drawer
- Hiding in my sock drawer
- Sleep-talking in multiple foreign languages
- Sleepwalking over to my side of the room and just standing there.
- Awkward eye contact
- Contributing actively and/or passively to heteronormative culture
- Contributing actively and/or passively to gender-normative culture
- Contributing actively in precept
- Contributing more actively than me in precept
- Having parents who’ll visit for parents’ weekend
- Having parents who steal my allergy medication and still sneeze
without covering their orifices - Having parents
- Shitting the bed (figuratively)
- Ibid. (literally)
- Oriental rugs
- Orientalist rugs
- I am heavy with child and will need the extra room in 9 months
- You put a used condom on my bed
- Broke a pinky promise