Oh Gross. We accidentally just looked at you and your fatness grossed us out. Big time. Well, because we here at the Nassau Weekly are bonded together by a spirit of philanthropy and kindness, we are going to give you what you so desperately need: A brand new diet. Incidentally, the staff at the Daily Princetonian is bonded together by chords of infant flesh that are coated in the mucus of rapists.

This week’s diet is perhaps the easiest diet we have yet come across. So grab your sporks and shovels and tuck that napkin between your third and fourth chin because this week’s diet is:

PITY!

That’s right. We say this diet is the simplest because all it requires is that you allow yourself to be seen by normal human beings. You don’t have to walk anywhere, or run or even sit upright in a chair. The most effective way to execute this diet is to move your bed out into the hallway of your dorm and let people walk by. See how they look at you? See their warm smiles and caring eyes? That’s pity. Eat it up.

People feel terrible when they see you, and feel a deep pathos followed by an equally deep repulsion. Concentrate on the pathos, and chew on that while you lie in your bed, engulfed in your excess you. But don’t overindulge, you heap of terrible rubbish! Once you feel sated with the condescending sympathy of your normal-sized peers, retire to your solitude. Within seven days we promise you will be thinner than you could ever dream, yet still, unfortunately, not quite thin enough to attract a mate.

Join us next week for the BEST DIET YET.