Too Eye I Two

December 6, 2013

Hello, My Name Is ______.

I was seventeen. A senior second semester saturated with drugs, alcohol and bad decisions written off as “youth” had ended in a hospital bed on prom night, and, subsequently, in daily, forced AA meetings. I’d thought I was on top of the world: going to an Ivy League school, surrounded by friends, graduating top of my class.

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Truths or Myths

In McCosh courtyard on a sunny October afternoon, Princeton students milled about between classes and my friend J., a junior, stood facing her Orange Key tour group. We smiled and waved at each other over the heads of the 30 or so prospective students and their parents eagerly listening to her speak. As I walked by, I caught a snippet of her presentation: “In general,” she said, “Princeton students aren’t really concerned with GPA.”

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Naked

Monday evening at ten of seven, I finish my dinner at Rocky dining hall, walk down Witherspoon Street to the Arts Council of Princeton, and make my way to the theater on the second floor. Minutes later I stand in the center of the room on a podium, naked, with the eyes of a dozen middle-aged strangers trained on me.

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Waiting for Woody

I entered Alexander Hall, heart pounding, clutching a small spiral notebook and an orange ticket. The narrow, rounded hallway bordering the theater was filled with a labyrinth of lines. I frantically weaved through and approached an usher to ask her where I could wait in order to sit in orchestra seats.

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The Decline of Marshall Mathers

To my parents’ horror, I discovered Eminem at age twelve when my uncle gave me a copy of Encore for my birthday. I was enchanted; I loved the tenderness of ‘Mockingbird’ and the humor of ‘Puke,’ and the unbridled rage and violence that riddled the album were more visceral and real than any emotions I had ever heard in music.

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Frugality

I’ve missed out on a lot of things due to lack of money. As bad as that sounds, I often forget about it. But there are times I am reminded. This will be about those moments I am reminded, not in a melancholy sort of way, not a boo-hoo story about being the pauper of the town, but instead as an account of how I curiously grew into a frugal lifestyle; how I couldn’t afford things, and how that resulted in me not wanting them.

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Of Matt(yboys) & Moon(thels)

Is it Matt or Matthew?”

Nearly all my life, I have faced this question. More than a courtesy, it is a challenge, a demand: “Identify yourself.”

In my childhood, I was lost and unsure. Who am I? Am I that guy who carelessly shortens his name, soiling the greatest gift, after life, his parents have given him? Or am I that guy who insists on being called by his proper name, like some pompous Alexander or Maximilian?

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PrinceWatch

A man may take to drink,” wrote George Orwell, “because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks. It is rather the same thing that is happening to the English language. It becomes ugly and inaccurate because our thoughts are foolish, but the slovenliness of our language makes it easier for us to have foolish thoughts.” Unfortunately, the Daily Princeton is like the man who rushes the growler a few too many times.

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Peer Review: Jeremy Revises Isabel’s Essay

Jeremy Cohen marks up Isabel Henderson’s Common App essay.

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Peer Review: Isabel Revises Jeremy’s Essay

Isabel Henderson revises Jeremy Cohen’s Common App essay.

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A Better Course Guide

“MNG 105: What to Expect When You’re Expectorating” and other courses.

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Verbatim

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Overheard after State Night

Drunk Kappa sophomore: I’m not drunk, I’m gentrified. I’m so gentrified. I should manage a Whole Foods.

Overheard in Mathey dining hall

Pi Phi sophomore: My goal for tomorrow morning is to walk-of-shame to my 9am class.

Overheard in Charter sophomore email

Plagiarist: Food is love.

Overheard in Terrace

Freshman 1: She wants me!
Freshman 2: Go find her!
Freshman 1: No.

Overheard on a bus to Boston

Club lacrosse player: I honestly forgot we had a theater department.

Overheard in Tower

Possible sociopath, regarding last night’s conquest: It was cute. We watched “Rosemary’s Baby” first. It’s that satanic rape scene. Gets them juices flowing every time.

Overheard at Cannon

Bro at urinal, to other bro: I like using the kiddie urinal, because I have a tiny dick.

Overheard in COM 300

Comparative literature major: Is the point of a piece of fiction...its own existence?

Overheard on course evaluation for PHI

Member of class of 2012: As a senior I can easily say that this is the deepest class I have taken here. It gives a voice to inchoate anxieties that are universal and standardly avoided by anti-mystics. That voice is commanding and never contrite. It is easy to blinker the significance of Death as a student. This class sheds light on that dark corner of the human condition and arms you with brilliant argument.

Overheard in Frist

Group of face-painted men vaulting down the stairs: “Chaste. It’s pronounced ‘chAEste,’ not ‘chAHst.’ Chaste, chaste,
chaaaaest….”

Overheard at a Disiac show

Dude, screaming at stage: Where is my brown swan? Is that my brown swan? It’s my brown swan!

Overheard in the CJL

Student, to visitors, gesturing grandly at driveway: I know the area intimately.

Overheard at the U-Store

Man wearing jorts, opening empty microwave: Where’s our food?! It’s not in the microwave!? We were heating up NOTHING IN THE MICROWAVE?

Overheard in Brooklyn

Unsuccessful suitor, to desired: Let’s smoke a plant and get real.

Overheard in a USG meeting

Senator 1: Why can’t we just start early?
Senator 2: Because we’re waiting for the public to show up.
Entire USG: [laugher]

Overheard in Whole Foods

Woman, running after children: Shaughnessy! Hanson!!

Overheard outside Henry

Girl: I didn’t suck any dick this whooooole week. It was great.

Overheard in Frist

Pi Phi sophomore: She looks so inbred, doesn’t she?