President Eisgruber’s Holiday Card

November 23, 2014

What Does it Mean When You Vote for a Joke Candidate?

In the first week of December, joke ticket Will Gansa will face off with Ella Cheng in a run-off election for Princeton’s Undergraduate Student Government (USG) President. Gansa, running on a platform of waffle fries, ripe fruit, and ‘bike reform,’ won 44% of the popular vote to Cheng’s 32%, in the first round of elections in late November.

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The Sound of Political Work: A Joint Interview

On a cold November evening, I sat down with Ella, Will, and Molly on the floor of the African Art room in the Princeton University Art Museum for their first-ever joint interview to discuss fashion, the experience of time and waffle fries.

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Notes on Engaging with Black Thought

I have started this piece many times. Each beginning featured a description of Professor Emeritus of African American Studies Cornel West and his entrance into McCosh 50.

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In the Nation’s Pocket

Student activists campaigning for divestment—from fossil fuel companies, weapons manufacturing companies, or companies operating in the Israeli-occupied West Bank—must face an administration that for decades has refused to acknowledge the central point at the very core of any divestment campaign: that the university’s investments should be considered as part of the university itself.

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Amusement Abandoned

We heard the theme park before we saw it. A constant screech, grating and shrill.

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Respecting Ms. Banks

Of the many things the singer Banks (the stage name of Jillian Banks) does well—and I think there are many—the thing she does best is cultivate her own vibe.

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E. 7th Street

cash wasn’t honey on the tracks / but the subway smelled like my front pocket / stale raspberry cola and dusty and blackened fingertips

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When Life Gives You Lemons

One of my closest friends called recently after a bad breakup. We hadn’t spoken in a few weeks, so when I picked up the phone, I felt that familiar yet uncomfortable sense of separation caused by more than just physical distance.

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Sophie’s Namesake

I was named in a fit of impatience. My brother Toby was six years old and frustrated that my parents referred to little unborn me only as “the baby.” Inspired by the book he was reading, one day he asked, “Can we just call her Sophie?” And so they did.

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Rules for When You Plan on Educating Your Future Children about Mortality

Tell them they will never die because they are too young to understand object permanence. Avoid their questions. You do not own any pets.

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Love in the Time of Lana

I fell in love with Lana Del Rey a week after I got my driver’s license. Sixteen and in the deeper throes of teenage angst, I’d taken to calling the suburban split-level I’d grown up in “my parents’ house” and spending as much time as possible out with my steady, if less than stable, high school boyfriend.

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Verbatim

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Overheard in 1901-Laughlin

Junior Theta: I would never do butt stuff. Like, never. Like, you would have to pay me $1,000 dollars to do butt stuff.

Overheard in Campus Club

Econ major, to other econ major: I just feel like I already know people are struggling in the world. I don’t need to hear about it anymore.

Overheard by Patton

Jewish man: If it were up to me, all my roommates would’ve done a Secret Santa fleshlight exchange last year.

Overheard at TI

Ultimate SWUG: Can I dry clean my sweatpants?

Overheard in Jones

Thesis advisor to ex-Theta, ex-Ivy member: Do you have any friends?

Overheard in Henry House

Male guest lecturer: I met my husband at 4 am on the dance floor, rolling my tits off...I think I would have fallen in love with a tree at that point.

Overheard in HIS 322 precept

Girl 1: Yeah, people died in the snow storm in upstate New York.
Girl 2: Like, old people or like, real people?

Overheard in Firestone

Terran 1: Well, at least she’s better than his previous girlfriend.
Terran 2, incredulously: Who was his previous girlfriend? A fleshlight with googly eyes that talked to him?

Overheard in Frist

Nass senior: Part of me was like, “What if I’m human trafficked?” but then the other part of me was like, “What if it’s a birthday present?”

Overheard outside Dillon

Standard white girl: I’m just a standard white girl.

Overheard in New York

JP Morgan employee: There were far too many carbs there for a gay networking event.

Overheard in Cottage

WWS Senior: The UN is more responsive to me than my thesis advisor.

Overheard in Terrace

Girl, thoughtfully: Well, I guess anyone can 69.

Overheard at Ivy Inn

PFA junior, sipping first beer: Milk just tastes better.

Overheard at Casino Night

Ivy Theta, to TI Theta: You’re too beautiful to be in TI!!

Overheard outside Frist

Dude on phone, recounting weekend: Yeah, I was talking into a chicken tender, and dipped my phone in honey mustard.

Overheard on the Street

TI senior: And that’s how they made up: horse tranquilizers.

Overheard in Bloomberg

Ivy senior: I mean, people have been fingered on the dance floor at Ivy.
BodyHype senior: But that’s discreet. That’s like pick-pocketing, almost.