End of an Era

October 24, 2015

Princeton’s Ten Hottest Freshmen

What follows is an unranked list of ten of the most beautiful freshmen at Princeton, as chosen by us and based on a survey of approximately four upperclassmen girls.

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Hallucinogen-ic

R&B is experiencing a renaissance.

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Letter to My Future Self

Two days ago, you jumped off a bridge.

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Riesling Poem

The night is dry & we confuse the bartender by ordering rotwein instead of rose. I’m using royal. I’m halfway through the glass when a 34-year-old man doesn’t ask to strip my skintight pink dress to light the years in … Read More

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An App For That

Uber was just the beginning, though.

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My Own Private Princeton

During Reading Period of freshman spring, I developed a strange study habit.

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Song for Us

You brought me orange juice in bed as the sun began to throw its spears into the hanging dust. Anything you’d like to do today? Nothing really, besides the juice. I clicked on the tape we had been listening to. … Read More

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Triplet Trepidations

Coming from New Jersey, where my home and parents are only an easy hour and a half drive away, my transition to college was easier than most—at least in theory.

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Ask a Mormon

According to many Broadway aficionados, The Book of Mormon is the best musical of the century. The jokes are witty and the music is catchy and the tickets are stupid expensive unless you go with your residential college. The show is also irreverent to the point of blasphemy.

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Rites of Productivity

The event was titled “My English Major and My Career,” and if you could get past the clunkiness, I suppose the name was probably meant to be reassuring—the suggestion being that having the former doesn’t preclude you from having the latter.

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Verbatim

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Overhead in the Whig basement

Cap junior: When I graduate from Princeton, the GroupMe is gonna be my biggest accomplishment.

Overheard in Edwards

Female scholar: I just need someone to massage my boobs, ya know?

Overheard outside Frist

Freshman psychoanalyst: I think he tries to hide his emotions by expressly showing them. You know what I mean?
Friend, befuddled: Umm, no.

Overheard in the Terrace library

Young man: I could graduate from Harvard taking zero classes. Zero classes.

Overheard at WaWa

Confused young man: Some people think saying America is great is offensive. I say look at the moon. Brazil, is that your bitch ass country’s flag up there? I don’t think so.

Overheard at Ivy

Alum, to another alum: You’re not even the creepiest alum here!

Overheard in Frist

Pi Phi pledge, gripping $8 juice bottle: Make me well Tico’s, make me well.

Overheard outside Marquand

Little boy to other little boy, eating lunch: I wish penne pasta was called penis.

Overheard in Terrace

Wise junior: There’s no faster way to lose weight than give birth.

Overheard in Firestone

Male Religion grad student: Mansplaining always works.

Overheard in Terrace

Jewish journalist: That’s why the Prince is bad, there are no Jews in it. Gentiles all!

Overheard in Wu dining hall

Grad student, to exhibitionist grad student: What if you’re performing acts and you run into a student?
Exhibitionist grad student: Oh, it’s happened already.

Overheard near Frist

Junior aesthete, on cello music: I used to listen to this in my room and cry.

Overheard in the West Village

Man, sniffing his beer: Mmm, smells like my dad.

Overheard at Terrace

Junior girl: I feel like having a trust fund could be stressful.
WASP male: Oh, it definitely is not.

Overheard in line at the UStore

Boy: Hey.
Girl: Hi.
Boy: Didn’t we make out at Ivy on Saturday?
Girl: Yup.
Boy: Cool. See you around!

Overheard at Ivy initations

Ivy male 1: Staff chug?
Ivy male 2: No dude, they’re supposed to be cleaning up, I don’t want them drinking.

Overheard on Prospect Street

Junior Pi Phi: Have you ever drank so much red wine that you shit it out in pure form the next morning? Because I have.