Double Fristing

September 25, 2016

How to Write a Pitchfork Album Review

Listen to two or three of the songs off of the album. Pick them from different sections, so it seems like you listened to the whole thing. Also, don’t call them songs. Call them “tracks” or (even better) “cuts” instead.

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Anatomy of a sane girl

Let her suck air through her teeth first, anticipating
the beginning of pulling the meat.

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Carmen in the Sunset

Sitting on the veranda with her coffee cup, Her grey hair braided up,
The lonely lady Carmen turns her eyes up

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Ruins of Our Time

Conteplating human extinction

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Uncle Phil

At his house, I’m sitting on the screened-in porch, eating the whitest sandwich of all time: white bread, white chicken, white cheese, mayonnaise.

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requiem

If you ask me about the next day, though, and I mean the day he killed himself, I won’t be able to tell you anything. I don’t remember. But if you ask me about the day before, I can tell you how Carrie looked in the muggy evening light, how the tips of his hair curled with sweat, how a cluster of pimples settled above his left eyebrow like a constellation.

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60 Hours in Limbo

Twelve hours later, I AM IN AMERICA, thank Jesus and Mohammad and Buddha and all the minor religious figures I am forgetting.

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A Look Into Sleep

You shall fall asleep at your desk, wake up to frantically finish your essay, and then post a Snapchat with a filter hiding your under-eye bags and communally sharing your sleepless angst — all before the onset of the second sleep.

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Searching for Truth

Trump, Objectivity, and the Media

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Pokemon No

When childhood is sold to adults.

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Time, Space, and Train Schedules

A few married undergraduate students at Princeton tell their stories.

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Verbatim

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Overheard on iMessage

22-year-old adult male, contemplating sweater purchase: I’m scared my mom will make fun of it.

Overheard at networking dinner

Corporate executive, philosophically: Do you think they’ve discovered all the foods?

Overheard in McCosh 46

English professor, conspiratorially: You know what they told me the problem was? There just aren’t any good drunks left in the English department.

Overheard at a seaside compound

WASP scion: “I’m very open-minded. I hung out with all kinds of fraternities at school.”

Overheard in Greenpoint

Intoxicated woman, talking on the phone in a bar courtyard: My cat is just amazing, she loves the sound of the human voice—I could be talking about global warming about whatever and she just loves it...she’s like some kind of Buddhist reincar- nation, like reincarnated to be with me.

Overheard on iMessage

WASP: I can’t watch Atonement. it gives me class anxiety.

Overheard at the Wa

Overzealous sophomore: I can’t wait to write my thesis so I can finally use the Princeton font!

Overheard in Frist

Offended student: “I thought you were coming over here to hug me, not go to the bathroom!”

Overheard on the Street

American frosh: It’s amazing you speak English so well.
New Zealander: I mean, we speak English in New Zealand. American frosh: But if you speak English, then why do you have an accent?

Overheard in Wilf

Nass soph: Everyone in my life keeps giving me subtle signs to stop being an asshole.

Overheard on the Street

Nass sophomore, on motherly Nass alum: There’s literally zero doubt in my mind that at some point in my life I will hook up with her.

Overheard in Spelman

Southern gentleman: I could be a mean old daddy if I wanted.

Overheard in ethics class poll

Anon student: I would never commit incest (knowingly).

Overheard in a Nass Meeting

Senior Female, to Male Writer: I’ll take your phallus and raise you one.

Overheard in text study

Orthodox Jew (translating Latin): Castus, the act of abstaining from sensual pleasures for religious reasons. Literally, what is my life?

Overheard in Wilf

Straight white man: Lesbians are a group of people I’ve never been able to connect with.