Am I So Gay?

April 24, 2009

Wondering Why?

Dear Wise Wendy,
How do you snookle a pookieboogle?
Snook-Curious

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This Is… Princeton

In writing about the pillow fight that took place on Friday, April 17 in front of the Frist Campus Center, I feel it is my duty to report as accurately as possible the events that transpired up to and during those ten idyllic minutes of being bathed in feathers. The following report is as honest and strictly detailed as my mind would allow.

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Now and Then, Here and There

My grandfather bore a striking resemblance to Benito Mussolini in physique and temperament.

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Portrait of the Decadent Youth

I want to tell you about this year; I want to tell you about what’s happened. I want to tell you about what went down in “Gossip Girl” and about what’s real and what’s fake, about how time passes in Princeton, about what mattered.

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The Future of Narrative

I am at a lecture. A lot of the people here are old, but I am kind of young. I am eighteen, which is young but not young like people say I am. I have not been twelve for six years, and when I take off my clothes, don’t say I look so young. I will not put out. Anyway. I am going to a lecture and when I reach to pull up my pants in the bathroom stall, I realize I’m not wearing underwear. I’m not wearing underwear, and I’m not wearing a belt, and probably the man who was sitting behind me (who is old) will see my ass when I sit down again. Everyone is dressed nicely except for me and my bare ass. I am only at this lecture because Kevin sometimes looks like a puppy. This is a narrative, kind of. This is a kind of narrative.

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Who Are These People?

Oh, pre-frosh.

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How Social Are You?

If you answered mostly A’s…

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Bigots on Nassau

“A lot of sawdust written on this subject—a lot of sawdust. Don’t read any of it.”

—Isaiah Berlin, on ‘natural law’

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Four Walls and a Signature

Postcards sweat and wilt…

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The 20 Most Popular People at Princeton

This past Sunday, three of the Nassau Weekly’s best-trained sabermetricians compiled data from Princeton Facebook in order to rank the graduating class of seniors in an objective and accurate manner according to a single metric: notoriety. This was not hard. No computer programs were required, although they might have helped. All the team had to do was log in to facebook.princeton.edu, run an Advanced Search for the class of 2009, and copy one piece of information from each of the 1,198 profiles: Profile Views.

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Verbatim

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Overheard in Prospect Garden

Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.

Girl: Why?

Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Overheard outside Frist

Guy: I never accept friend requests from Asians.

Girl: Why?

Guy: Well, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie...

Overheard crossing Nassau St.

Housewife: —because I’m the only person who tries to tell the truth like it is—

Husband (interrupting): Yes, but half the time you tell it wrong.

Overheard outside Graduate department lounge:

Male GS: If Jesus came back today, people would probably think he was a zombie and kill him.

Female Chinese GS: Why?

Overheard at Halo pub

Obese woman: That’s right, I’ll be singing in the opera.

Patron: So... you’re an alto?

Overheard after pseudo-science lab

GS Instructor: What was she on? She looked really drunk.

Student 1: Coke, I think.

Student 2: No, you missed the first part of the conversation. She was reminiscing about being on coke.

GS: Well, was she drunk?

Student 2: Oh, and how.

Overheard in the U-Store

Alum: We had pizza and stuff... There was no edamame when I was at Princeton! We should head out.

Alum’s Friend: Wait, but, we are ending up in a bar at the end of the tour, right?

Overheard on Alexander Beach

Girl 1: Do you want to come to Twist?

Girl 2: Sure, I’m just gonna throw up first.