I don’t like it when you use my Amazon account. My recommendations are getting stranger and stranger and I know it’s because of you. You should remember that it tells me which items are bought together—and, honestly, you have some explaining to do.

Sometimes you make sense. You buy glass tubes with your Chore Boy copper wool, because when you insert the wool into a little tube it makes a nice makeshift pipe for the crack you insist on smoking. The wool acts as a screen, so when the freebase melts it can spread out and you get that good even inhale you always talk about. I wish you’d quit, you know I do, but at least these purchases are logical.

Other times it gets weird. I guess I don’t blame you for buying rat poison; rats can be a real pain, and you might have no other options at this point. It’s kinda creepy, though, that you’re getting gun lubricant at the same time. It just gives off a very aggressive vibe, and I don’t think that’s what you’re going for but you can’t deny it’s there. You seem like you might be lashing out at something—hopefully not someone, but you can’t blame me for being concerned. And then in the same order you’re buying women’s briefs? You’ll understand if that grouping of items makes me pause. Do you have a special lady in your life at the moment? If so, that’s great and I’m really pleased for you, especially after everything that happened last time, but I hope you’re looking after her. Did you maybe mean to buy a different sort of lubricant? Sorry to get so personal but I want to make sure you’re not planning to do anything stupid.

The syringes you buy with your SlimFast bars really threw me too, and I feel uncomfortable bringing this up but it’s probably something we should talk about. I can’t keep track of what substances you’re using these days and you can’t blame me for thinking the worst here when I see syringes in bulk. I don’t know what you’re doing with those bars either. You don’t need to slim down! In fact, I’d bet that the drugs are probably doing some real damage to your appetite, so if anything you should be eating more than usual. Are you maybe trying to impress this mysterious woman? I’m sure she likes you the way you are, even if you have some habits that honestly aren’t good for you. I might be completely off base, of course, and the syringes could be for very innocent purposes. I just feel that if that were the case, you wouldn’t only be buying them with SlimFast. You see why I feel like this talk is necessary?

I’m starting to lose patience, though. You obviously shouldn’t be buying Confederate flags and I don’t need to explain that to you, but it’s even worse that you’re getting them with Nazi shit too. You don’t even have space for all these flags! What are people going to think of you when they walk into your house and see swastikas draped over everything? Or were you planning to fly them outside on the street? I’m sure your neighbours are already a little suspicious, given your general lifestyle, and that wouldn’t help matters at all.

Come on. I know you, and you’re better than this. At least stop using my account.